You’re More of a Perfectionist Than You Think
What is perfectionism and how to spot it
You may be tempted to breeze past this post thinking, I don’t alphabetize my spice rack, why do I need to read about perfectionism?
But not so fast. Perfectionism isn’t just about being overly organized or literally being perfect. There’s much more to it than that and many ways in which it can rear its head in our lives.
So, what exactly is perfectionism? And how do you start identifying it in your life? Let’s start with breaking down three components of perfectionism.
(1) The first is a sense of self-worth that comes predominantly from striving for achievements and accomplishments. While we all get a portion of our self-worth from reaching goals (and this can be a marker of good psychological health), perfectionists tend to get nearly all of their self-worth from goal attainment. They only to feel good about themselves when they made it through the entirety of their to-do list, did the strenuous workout five times a week, or beat their sales target for the fourth month in a row. People who are less perfectionistic get their self-worth from more than just accomplishments. They feel good about themselves when they engage in pleasurable activities (e.g., making art, playing music, being in nature) and doing what’s important to them (e.g., volunteering, political activism, spending time with family).
(2) The second component of perfectionism is setting unrealistic or unrelenting standards. Perfectionists tend to set goals that are unattainable or hard to reach consistently, such as getting glowing feedback on a presentation from every single one of your co-workers (including the grumpy one from accounting). They may also set goals that are unrelenting, as in, the goalpost always seems to move. For example, you might complete a 10km run but conclude it wasn’t a success because you didn’t beat your time from last week. Perfectionists find it hard to recognize the wins.
(3) The third is harsh criticism when standards aren’t met. While non-perfectionists can be bummed when they don’t reach a goal that’s important (disappointment is completely normal), perfectionists take it real personal. They launch into a stream of vicious self-criticism that can make themselves feel guilty, ashamed, and regretful:
You’re so lazy/stupid/incompetent/ugly/awkward
How could you mess this up?
Other people can do this, why can’t you?
You’re never going to get your s*@T together
You’re an embarrassment
Oof. It feels terrible just reading that let alone say these things to yourself.
It's important to know that we can set a perfectionistic standard in just about any aspect of our lives: work, relationships, emotions, health, physical appearance, finances, etc. Here’s some examples of perfectionistic standards that I’ve heard in my own clinical practice:
-I should always be growing and improving
-My partner should know what I need
-I must stick to my diet everyday
-I need to be liked by everyone
-I shouldn’t be feeling anxious when I give presentations
-Life should be lived without regrets
-I must manage this all on my own
Do any of these sound familiar? If not, kudos to you for escaping the trap of perfectionism and please tell us all how you managed to do it. If it does sound a little too familiar, then consider a few other things to help further understand how perfectionism manifests itself in your life.
Like many characteristics, per exists on a continuum. Some people have perfectionistic tendencies in multiple domains of their life and report severe feelings of depression and anxiety that interfere with daily life. Other people will experience perfectionistic tendencies in one or two domains of life and find it to be less impairing overall.
Finally, perfectionism doesn’t just involve standards you’re holding yourself to. Perfectionism can be directed toward others, as in, you hold unrealistic expectations of others and may criticize them strongly when they don’t live up to your standards. This is called other-oriented perfectionism.
People can also experience socially-prescribed perfectionism, meaning that you assume others have incredibly high expectations of you and will respond very harshly if you don’t adhere to their standards.
The good news here is that perfectionism doesn’t have to be a life sentence. Many people can successfully reduce the extent to which perfectionism runs their life and puts a damper on joy, pleasure and relaxation. If you’re hoping to change your perfectionistic tendencies, consider reaching out to a psychologist for help or reading informative books on the topic such as When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough by Martin Anthony.
This post is for informational purposes only and should not be considered therapeutic advice or a replacement for individual therapy. For more information on locating a psychologist near you, please contact your family doctor, the Ontario Psychological Association, the Canadian Association for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or Psychology Today
