Single, Stressed and Depressed
Six Tips for the Unattached
“I’m so tired of being single, I just want to find a partner.”
“I can’t meet anyone decent; online dating is the worst.”
“Everyone’s getting married and having children. I want to be as happy as they are.”
These are statements are all too common from clients I see in my clinical practice. I routinely hear from demoralized singles who feel frustrated and increasingly discouraged about their futures and prospects for romantic partners.
There’s no denying that being single can have its challenges. But there’s also patterns of thinking and behaving that can add unnecessary distress and anxiety to dating. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) shines a light on the types of thoughts and behaviors that don’t serve us well and helps people modify these patterns in order to be better versions of ourselves, single or otherwise. From my CBT sessions with stressed singles, I’ve gathered six important tips that help to re-frame single-dom and actually enjoying dating again.
1. Take relationships off a pedestal
Romantic relationships can add richness and fullness to life through deep connection and intimacy. Viewing romantic relationships as THE recipe for happiness, however, typically sets people up for disillusionment, disappointment, or depression. Romantic relationships are complex, dynamic systems that can provide considerable happiness but they can also be effortful, draining, and at times, profoundly lonely. By swapping an idealized view of relationships with a more balanced one, you can save yourself from dashed expectations and disappointments.
2. Make dating more about experiencing and less about evaluating
Dating provides an infinite number of opportunities to evaluate other people and ourselves. Spending too much time in an evaluative state of mind can breed a critical attitude and detract from genuinely enjoying someone else’s company. Instead of focusing on whether someone does or doesn’t meet your ‘ideal partner’ criteria, focus on what type of experience you’d like to have. Want to laugh until your stomach hurts? Check out a stand-up comedy show. Want to get your heart rate up? Suggest a spin class. By sharing an experience together you can shift out of job interview mode, disengage from criticism, and get to know someone in a completely different way.
3. Limit your predictions and embrace uncertainty.
One of the greatest gifts of having a human brain is being able to think about the future. Those predictions can get us into trouble though when we start creating stories about how miserable, lonely and cat-filled your single life might be. Predicting that your upcoming date has the personality of a piece of cardboard doesn’t help either. The reality is, we can’t predict the future. Expect that your predictions will inevitably be wrong in some way and practice accepting uncertainty. Uncertainty can be anxiety-provoking but it also infuses our lives with excitement, surprise and unexpected fun.
4. Focus on behavior and not reading minds
Dating inevitably makes us generate assumptions about other people’s intentions, often in the absence of other contextual information. Look no further than text messages. We tend to rely on our own beliefs and experiences to make assumptions about what other people are thinking and feeling. This tendency to mind-read can often lead to misjudging people, ending relationships prematurely, and unnecessary anxiety. Given that we can’t read people’s minds, focus on what their behavior suggests instead. Are they reasonably responsive to texts or emails? Do they initiate conversation between dates? Do they follow through on plans to meet up? What does that suggest about them? Likewise, focus on what your behavior suggests about your intentions.
5. Depersonalize and contextualize rejection
When you’re really into someone, it can be crushing to find out that they weren’t thinking about the colors for your future wedding but thinking of ways to say “I’m just not that into you”. Being resilient in the face of rejection is crucial in order to continue to date while keeping your mental health intact. One way to depersonalize rejection is to consider broader societal and psychological factors that make choosing a mate more difficult. In an overwhelmingly large pool of potential romantic partners, people are faced with the paradox of choice. Social science research suggests that when we’re faced with a multitude of choices, we have greater difficulty making a decision and are less satisfied with those decisions than if our choices were fewer—whether it’s purchasing a new TV or entering into a committed relationship. So instead of assuming that rejection means something about you personally, consider that it could reflect the psychological effect of having too many choices. (Because you know you’re great).
6. Milk the perks
Many couples and parents often look enviously at single people as they are reminded of the things that they used to do but can’t any longer because of other obligations and responsibilities. Guess who can still take impromptu trips to South America, pull (intentional) all-nighters and cap it off with 5am pizza, take that job offer in a different city or country, and not think twice before buying those oh-so-fabulous but oh-so-impractical shoes? That’s right. You can. Don’t forget to savor the things that you likely take for granted now but may end up longing for later. Wanting what you’ve got is the antidote for discontent, single or otherwise.
This post is for informational purposes only and should not be considered therapeutic advice or a replacement for individual therapy. For more information on locating a psychologist near you, please contact your family doctor, the Ontario Psychological Association, the Canadian Association for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or Psychology Today
