Worrying about your aging parents?
You’re not alone. Here’s four tips to help you manage your worry.
Growing old is no picnic. Aging brings a wide variety of social, psychological, financial and physical changes and challenges to both the older adult experiencing them and their community of family and friends. Retirement, relocation, reduced mobility, chronic health issues, cognitive decline, sensory impairment, and loss of a spouse are just a handful of examples of the stressors that older adults can face. But hey, the alternative to growing old isn’t exactly appealing either.
Seeing a parent face the painful realities of aging can be tremendously difficult. You have a front row seat to the many challenges and surprises that this stage of life can bring. You may experience a range of emotions like sadness, fear, irritation, guilt, grief, and resentment—just to name a few. You may also experience a deep sense of helplessness or powerlessness as you realize the many things outside of your control. You can’t take away a diagnosis of dementia, speed up the healing process of a broken hip, or create space in a nursing home when it’s needed most. Watching a parent age can be a very painful and stressful experience. And this is assuming you had a healthy-ish relationship with your parent in the first place. Dealing with an aging parent can be even more difficult if you have a strained relationship.
So, what are some things you can do to deal with the stress of an aging parent? Here’s a few tips to consider:
1. Triage your worries. Make a list of the things that worry you about your parent and then separate the worries into three categories: (a) worries about the present (b) worries about things that will very likely happen in the future, and (c) worries about hypotheticals. Listing out your worries in this way can help identify the most timely issues and encourage you to stay focused on the worries you can actually doing something about. The hypothetical worries are neither something you can control or be sure will happen. As hard as it can be, try to let these worries go.
A triaged list of worried can look something like this:
Worries about the present:
-How will Dad get to his neurology appointment tomorrow?
Worries about the future:
-How will we get Dad get in-home care when his Parkinson’s Disease progresses?
Worries about hypotheticals
-What if Dad falls and hits his head?
2. Share your emotions with trusted friends and family. It is completely normal to feel scared, sad, overwhelmed, angry, and guilty when you have an aging parent who is experiencing pain, suffering, or loss. These emotions can reflect how deeply empathic you are and how impactful your relationship with your parent is. One of the best ways to deal with these emotions is to acknowledge them to yourself (consider writing them down) and others to help get the support and validation you need.
3. Come back to the present. Much of what can make us feel anxious is the anticipation of disasters that haven’t happened yet. This takes us out of the present moment and into a stressful (and hypothetical) future. When you’re not in the present, you may be missing out on the good times you have with your parent in the here-and-now. This time becomes more and more precious as you sense that time with them is running out. Try to catch yourself when your mind is spending too much time in the future and gently escort it back to something (or someone) in the present moment. Mindfulness meditation can help you practice being more present.
4. Don’t de-prioritize your own life. If you’re taking on caregiving responsibilities for an aging parent, it can be easy for this to occupy more and more of your personal time. You may end up forgoing things that feel optional such as seeing your friends, going on vacation, exercising, and spending time on hobbies. Sacrificing your time for your parent may be necessary for their care and/or to help reduce your feelings of guilt. But chronic self-sacrificing can catch up with you. Irritability and impatience become common. It’s near impossible to feel rested. You feel down in the dumps most of the time. Physical health issues may start to emerge. Say “hello” to burnout. In order to avoid depleting yourself, try to protect time for activities and people that put gas in your tank. Go for that walk by the water, make yourself a delicious meal, or go to board-game night with friends. Doing so will require some acceptance that you can’t do everything at all times or keep everyone happy. This doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a human. Welcome to the club.
Nothing can really prepare you for the difficulties that come with aging parents but don’t forget that no one else is prepared either. We’re all winging it. By shifting how you manage your worries, sharing your feelings with others, being in the present moment, and staying committed to self-care, you can help sustain yourself and make the time you have with your parent as meaningful as it can be.
This post is for informational purposes only and should not be considered therapeutic advice or a replacement for individual therapy. For more information on locating a psychologist near you, please contact your family doctor, the Ontario Psychological Association, the Canadian Association for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or Psychology Today
