Calling All Approval Addicts
Recognizing People-Pleasing and Its Costs
“I can’t stand conflict.”
“It’s selfish to put myself first.”
“I’m pretty easy going. I tend to let others take the lead.”
“I often wonder if something I’m saying or doing is upsetting to others.”
“I find it incredibly difficult to set boundaries.”
“If I let others know how I really l feel, they might reject me.”
“I feel bad about myself unless I get approval from others.”
Do any of these statements sound familiar? It’s what I imagine hearing at a ‘people-pleasers anonymous’ meeting (if there was such a thing). They’re also sentiments I hear commonly from my clients who are struggling with depression, anxiety, stress, and interpersonal problems. And what unites them are difficulties with people-pleasing.
People-pleasing is a popular term that gets thrown around often without a clear definition of what it means. From a clinical psychologist’s standpoint, it can include the following:
· A need for approval, recognition, or attention from others
· Fear of conflict, judgement or disapproval from others
· A sense of self-worth that is driven primarily by the reactions of others
· Hypersensitivity to rejection
· Unstable sense of self
· Making decisions that feel inauthentic or unsatisfying
· Difficulties being assertive (e.g., saying “no”, asking someone to change their behaviour)
It’s important to recognize that these tendencies exist on a continuum, meaning there are very normal and benign ways in which we all likely engage in people-pleasing. Caring about the thoughts and feelings of others can lead us to take actions that can benefit everyone (e.g., apologizing when you were a bit too ‘honest’ with your spouse about their new bangs). But there are also more harmful and all-encompassing aspects to people pleasing.
To illustrate, let’s look at 28-year-old Reema. As a freshly minted M.D., Reema started a prestigious internal medicine residency program (something her parents loved to brag about). Reema found herself struggling with feelings of anxiety; she often felt the need to present as the ‘model minority’ as her parents were immigrants from Pakistan. Reema also felt racked with anxiety while at work, fearful of disapproval or criticism from her superiors and being exposed as an “imposter”. This made it difficult to concentrate or think quickly on the spot. Reema chose her residency program because it seemed to garner a lot of respect from her peers and parents but she wasn’t actually sure if she was that interested in or passionate about internal medicine. And dating? Forget about it. Each time a guy takes too long to text her back, she gets sent into a tailspin of anxiety and depression but doesn’t have the nerve to call men out on it.
Reema is one example of what people-pleasing can look like: a high achiever who’s rattled with anxiety, fearful of making mistakes or being disapproved of by others, making decisions based off of how something appears as opposed to intrinsic interest, having a strong emotional reaction whenever there’s perceived rejection, and difficulties establishing boundaries and being assertive.
If you’re recognizing some (or all) of these tendencies within yourself, good for you. Seeing ourselves clearly is difficult and yet incredibly important in order to make changes. Since changing people-pleasing can be really challenging, it can be helpful to spend some time thinking about its costs to you. Recognizing the toll this behaviour is taking can be motivating to make a change. So let’s tally the costs.
First, if we’re so preoccupied trying to gain approval (or avoid disapproval) it can come at the expense of developing our own internal compass—our personal judgement of right or wrong, likes or dislikes, values or beliefs. It can leave us using the compass of others to make decisions. That becomes problematic when the compass is pointing in directions that aren’t for us, leaving us lost and even more confused and further away from ourselves. And that’s just for starters.
People-pleasing can also come at the expense of your relationships. This is ironic because part of the function of people pleasing is to have peaceful and harmonious relationships. But when you don’t stand up for yourself, speak your mind or set boundaries, you may find that your resentment starts to build and you leave yourself vulnerable to mistreatment. It may also be difficult to feel like people truly know you when you’re a people-pleaser, leaving relationships feeling somewhat surface level.
Finally, when we’re focused on trying to control something that isn’t in our control (e.g., others’ opinions) we will inevitably feel anxious, stressed, down, depressed, helpless, guilty or resentful. People pleasing tends to come at the cost of of feeling confident and self-assured. It’s a recipe to be on an emotional rollercoaster when you’re so preoccupied with the opinions and feelings of others.
Needless to say, people-pleasing comes at a big cost. But the good news is, you can change these tendencies for the better. It is very much possible to learn how to tolerate disapproval, be more vocal about your feelings, set better boundaries, and get to know who you are and what you want. Working with a psychologist can be incredibly helpful in getting you there, as can reading some excellent books on the topic. See some suggestions here.
Remember that the opposite of people pleasing doesn’t have to mean being a heartless, self-centered jerk. But rather, it means being secure in who you are and what you want, even if that runs counter to what other people want for you. It means treating your feelings as just as important as everyone else’s. I can’t think of a better gift to give yourself.
This post is for informational purposes only and should not be considered therapeutic advice or a replacement for individual therapy. For more information on locating a psychologist near you, please contact your family doctor, the Ontario Psychological Association, the Canadian Association for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or Psychology Today
