Anger is a Superpower
Why this emotion is more helpful than you think
I usually avoid making sweeping generalizations but I’m making an exception this time. Most people have a complicated relationship with anger. It’s an emotion people often find difficult to identify, accept, and regulate. I see clients who are tuned out of this emotion; not aware when they feel it or suppressing it all together. Others will say they experience anger too much and feel ‘out of control’ when it’s present.
Gender socialization significantly impacts our experience of anger as well; women have been taught to ignore or suppress anger so as to not upset others or appear disagreeable. Men, on the other hand, have been taught that anger is one of the few acceptable emotions to openly express, especially when they’re experiencing emotions such as fear or shame. Anger becomes a bodyguard for more vulnerable emotional experiences.
When we think of expressions of anger, many people have negative connotations with it and envision yelling, screaming, hurling insults (or objects), or subjecting someone to the silent treatment.
No wonder we have a fraught relationship with this emotion.
I’d like to make dramatically different argument about anger. Instead of being a destructive force that you must control or suppress before it makes you blow up, what if the opposite was true? What if anger has the power to deepen your knowledge of yourself, expand your capacity to set and maintain boundaries, and transform your relationships for the better?
Now that’s a completely different story about anger. Let’s peel back the layers of this emotion so that you might be better able to harness the power of this misunderstood emotion.
Why We Experience Anger
We’ve evolved to experience emotions because they serve a critical role in ensuring our survival. They offer us valuable information about our environment and motivate action to ensure our safety and security. Back when we were hunters and gatherers who existed in tribes, being integrated into a community was especially important for survival because it guaranteed access to food, shelter, resources, and protection. Having a community was, quite literally, a matter of life or death.
Anger’s purpose is to alert us to injustices or inequities in our social environment. Simply put, it tells us when a wrong has occurred. But it doesn’t stop there, anger can strongly motivate us to right the wrong and seek justice. Let’s say you caught a member of your tribe stealing from your food supply. Anger almost instinctually kicks in saying “that’s not fair!” and would likely push you to confront your neighbour and get your food back. Doing so helps reinforce group norms of fairness and equity, for example.
How Anger Helps
Let’s bring this to a modern-day context and explore how anger might be useful in our lives today. One of my clients told me about an escalating frustration she had with her boss who had a unique talent of tasking her with new projects right before she left on vacation and wasn’t delegating these tasks equally among her peers. Acknowledging that she felt angry allowed my client to become aware of the expectations behind this emotion: new projects should be divided equitably among peers and not assigned the day before vacations. Furthermore, the anger motivated her to have a conversation with her boss about it. She didn’t need to scream or shout to express her concerns but was able have a direct and respectful discussion about it. This helped her boss see how problematic his behaviour was and he sought to find a resolution. The experience helped my client protect her time at work, feel less resentful about the projects she was taking on, and see herself as being treated as equal as her peers. Anger for the win!
How Can Anger Go Off the Rails?
The above example is a best-case scenario—the client could use her anger well to have a level-headed conversation with her boss. But you and I know that this isn’t always the case. People who have difficulties regulating anger can become verbally or physically aggressive. They may yell, throw things, punch a wall, spew insults, or otherwise have an adult version of a tantrum. Let’s be clear: verbal or physical aggression is never okay. No matter how angry you feel. Furthermore, anger itself isn’t the problem here. It’s failing to regulate anger. If you feel like you struggle to regulate anger when it gets particularly intense, consider getting professional help to help you develop emotion regulation skills. Therapies such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy are particularly helpful when it comes to learning these skills.
How to Use Your Anger For the Better
To help transform your anger into a superpower, consider doing one or more of the following:
(1) Practice identifying your emotions regularly. In order to respond more effectively to emotions like anger, we need to be able to detect them in the first place. At different points during your day, try to identify when you feel angry and rate how intense it is out of 10. Also try to identify emotions that may be masquerading as anger such as anxiety, guilt or shame. Referring to a list of emotion words can help you put your finger on what it is.
(2) Identify the expectation behind the anger. Since anger often emerges when we have an expectation or standard that’s been violated, it provides us an opportunity to explore what these expectations are. Some examples of these expectations are: my kid shouldn’t swear at me, promotions should be granted based on merit, my partner should always tell me the truth, or bad things shouldn’t happen to good people. You may want to explore where these expectations came from and how to best respond when they aren’t met (therapy can help with this). Doing this work have help deepen your knowledge of yourself and communicate your anger more effectively.
(3) Speaking of communication: learn how to express anger well. The difference between constructive versus destructive anger can often boil down to how you’re communicating it. This is where assertive communication skills come in. Learning these skills can have tremendous benefit in many areas of your life, including: improving conflict resolution with friends or family members, maintaining boundaries in your professional or personal life, being a better negotiator, and boosting confidence (just to name a few). Consider picking up a few great self-help books on the topic or working with a therapist to help build these skills.
Remember, anger doesn’t have to be a big scary emotion that needs to be avoided or surpressed. Accepting anger doesn’t mean you automatically turn you into the hulk. If we know how to listen to, regulate, and express our anger, it has the potential to offer important information about our beliefs or expectations, help us take action to preserve boundaries, and boost our self-confidence in the process. That’s a superpower worth using.
This post is for informational purposes only and should not be considered therapeutic advice or a replacement for individual therapy. For more information on locating a psychologist near you, please contact your family doctor, the Ontario Psychological Association, the Canadian Association for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or Psychology Today
