Befriending Your Inner Critic

How Guided Imagery Can Help

Imagine this. You’ve slept in past your alarm and are running late for work, yet again. How could you let this happen again? Aren’t you supposed to be an adult? In your rush to get out the door, you spill your travel mug of hot coffee all over the place, adding even more delays to your already late start. And you’re a klutz, too! You can’t even do the simplest of things to get yourself out the door. You arrive at work flustered only to realize, it’s your turn to lead the team meeting. Here we go, everyone’s about to see that you have ZERO idea what you’re doing. You lead the meeting and things seem to go smoothly until someone asks a question that you struggle to answer. How could you not know the answer, you idiot?! Your colleague could have handled this so much better and everyone knows it.

How did you feel reading that? Did any of it sound familiar?

If you’re like most people, there’s a voice inside your head that’s quick to pounce on, criticize, attack, judge, and blame yourself for even the smallest infractions. And for bigger mistakes or lapses of judgements, this voice can feel like it’s on a mission of destruction.

Say “hello” to your inner critic.

For some, this critic is punitive; highly critical and demeaning when a standard isn’t met, and laying on the punishment pretty thick. You’re a bad mom for spending so much time at work. You were such a pig last night; you ate way too much at the bbq. What kind of man feels this anxious all the time? The result is feeling ashamed, small, depressed, hopeless, angry, or constantly feeling the need to atone for things you’ve done.

For others, their critic is more demanding; setting very high and often unrelenting standards for how you behave at work or home, or with respect to your physical appearance, health, or moral conduct. My home should be spotless whenever someone comes over to visit. I should be working out 6 times per week. I should never burden other people with my feelings. The result here is feeling anxious, on edge, stressed, and prone to excessive guilt.

All of us can likely attest to having an over-active inner critic at some point or another. For those who struggle with a mental disorder, their inner critic features heavily in their day-to-day life. And it feels pretty awful, doesn’t it?

Many of my clients are eager to learn how to shut off their inner critic and are, understandably, desperate to do so. By the time people come see me, they’ve tried many different things to drown out their critic. They’ve tried using social media, TV, or sports to distract themselves; consume alcohol, food or other substances to soothe the pain the critic causes; work excessively; or are very self-sacrificing in order to try to appease their inner critic.

It can often be a surprise for people to hear that healing your inner critic doesn’t actually involve going to war with it, trying to win its approval by following it’s marching orders, or completely disconnecting from it when it’s present. Healing your inner critic involves doing something that may seem somewhat counterintuitive: getting on friendlier terms with it.

Guided Imagery

One way you can become friendlier with your inner critic involves the use of guided imagery. Although guided imagery is used within many different types of therapy, the format I describe below comes from a therapy approach called Internal Family Systems (IFS). It may help to close your eyes as you do this.

Imagine your inner critic is standing in front of you. Try to get a visual image of what it looks like. How old is it? What is it wearing? What posture is it assuming?

Then ask yourself how you feel toward the inner critic. You may notice feelings of anxiety, stress, guilt or shame, anger, frustration, sadness or hopelessness. Maybe you feel sorry for it. Any feeling is valid.

Then, ask those feelings to step off to the side, as if they’re waiting in a waiting room. Don’t worry, we’re going to come back to them later. With those feelings in a waiting room, come back to your punitive critic standing in front of you. With as much curiosity and compassion as you can muster, start to talk to the critic. Say hello and welcome.

Ask your critic what it wants you to know. Then actually listen.

Ask your critic what it’s afraid will happen if it wasn’t around. Again, actually listen because the answer to this question is an important one. Most critics are usually afraid of one or more of the following: feeling inadequate, being judged or rejected by others, feeling unsafe or out of control, being alone or abandoned, or feeling ashamed.

Take a moment to tell your critic how valid it is to be afraid of these things. No one wants to feel bad, disconnected, unloved, unsafe, or alone. Tell your critic you see how hard its been working to prevent you from being in pain. Maybe your critic has more to tell you about past experiences that have led to it being so protective of you. Inquire about that now. Try to listen with as much patience, tenderness, and curiosity as you can.

Then, consider what your inner critic needs to hear from adult you. Maybe it’s compassionate reassurance or a piece of wisdom. Some people may thank their inner critic and also tell it that it doesn’t need to work so hard anymore. Or that you’re safe. Or that what happened to you as a child isn’t going to happen again now. Whatever the message is, see how your critic responds to hearing that. Does it soften? Release? And what do you notice in your body when this happens?

As you begin to bring the imagery to a close, thank the inner critic for being so transparent with you. Tell it you care about how it feels and will check-in as needed in the future. Then gradually open your eyes.

So how did that feel? It’s completely normal to feel a little silly or self-conscious as you did this. We don’t normally see our critic as a separate part of us nor do we talk to it with the same care and curiosity that we would a small child. And sometimes it can take a few attempts to really listen to the critic and get to know its concerns on a deeper level. But over time, interesting things can happen when we stop going to war with our inner critic. We start to have access to another part of us. The part that is wise, sensible, balanced, compassionate, calm. The part that is YOU.

If you want other resources to help befriend your inner critic consider these books or other resources here. Don’t forget to ask for help from a psychologist, who can further support you as you’re doing this work.

This post is for informational purposes only and should not be considered therapeutic advice or a replacement for individual therapy. For more information on locating a psychologist near you, please contact your family doctor, the Ontario Psychological Association, the Canadian Association for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or Psychology Today