Ambiguous Loss
What it is and how it may affect you
On the surface divorce, immigration, family estrangement, addiction, and dementia may not seem to have much in common. But what unites them can be a painful experience of ambiguous loss. The term was first coined by Pauline Boss, Professor Emeritus at the University of Minnesota, to refer to specific types of losses we may experience that, unlike the death of a loved one, are unclear and lack resolution. Examples of life events that might trigger feelings of ambiguous loss are:
Having a family member with a progressive illness such as Alzheimer’s Disease or Parkinson’s Disease
Having a child with a disability
Estrangement from a family member
Sudden and/or unexpected employment termination
Divorce or relationship dissolution
Having a loved one with addiction or severe mental health difficulties such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder
Infertility
Immigration
Friendship break-ups
You may have experienced some of the events on this list or can think of others that are similar. Within the context of ambiguous loss, it’s common for people to experience sadness or despair, confusion, rumination, anxiety, excessive guilt, sleeplessness, feeling lost or aimless, anger or irritability, nightmares, and physical health difficulties.
One of the many reasons ambiguous loss can feel so challenging is, as the name suggests, the uncertainty or lack of closure that exists within it. Our brains do not like uncertainty and in the face of it, we just want to find answers and create closure so our lives don’t feel chaotic and unpredictable. For this reason, people undergoing an ambiguous loss will often struggle to grieve what are often complex, non-linear, and ‘unfinished’ life events.
There are several important things to consider when trying to heal from an ambiguous loss.
1. Find meaning. We all need to make sense of the losses in our lives and find a new way of living despite them. Someone dealing with infertility may get involved in a support group where they can support other people dealing with the same issue.
2. Knowing what is and isn’t under your control. We can create misery for ourselves when we attempt to control what isn’t ours to control. One example is whether an estranged parent goes to therapy. Staying focused on the aspects of your situation that are controllable is critical.
3. Reconstructing identity. Losses often force us to see ourselves in a new way. As much as you can lean into that process, the better. A divorcee will re-establish themselves as a single person and maybe even revisit certain interests that went by the wayside during their marriage.
4. Normalizing ambivalence. It’s normal to have mixed feelings about big losses and when we can accept the co-existence of these emotions, we are better able to manage complex situations. For example, you may be both excited and optimistic about immigrating but also mourn for the comfort and familiarity of home.
5. Discovering new hope. We can’t put our lives on hold until we have closure about a loss. (Closure isn’t necessarily a thing—even with unambiguous losses). Discovering something new we can be hopeful about can help infuse our lives with forward momentum. Someone unexpectedly terminated from their job may feel some excitement at the prospect of being able to re-invent themselves and change careers.
For additional help navigating ambiguous loss, you can consult Professor Pauline Boss’s books and website here. Or consider seeking help from a psychologist to help talk through your situation.
